Sunday, September 28, 2008

Fantasy writers changing lightbulbs

If you've read any variety of fantasy books, these should make sense and be funny:


Q. How many fantasy authors does it take to change a light bulb?

A1. Only one. But it'll take a long time. They have to prepare an obsessively and redundantly detailed map of the whole room first.

A2. Fantasy authors can't change light bulbs. Only orphaned farmboys, destined from birth to change the light bulb in accordance with ancient prophecy can do it.

A3. Dozens. JRR Tolkien has to go first, to show everyone how to do it right, and then all the rest take turns removing and replacing the light bulb, in very slightly different and generally inferior ways.

Monday, September 22, 2008

TV vs. books

The more I write and read, I realize that I have been fully disillusioned when it comes to adaptation for screen. As a former member of the pure bibliophile club, I scorned at television and movie adaptations of books, bemoaning how the adaptors felt this need to "translate" the story into a "different medium". The book was perfect how it was, there's no need to change it!

Alas, no more. I've watched more movies and television. I've partially written screenplays based on books. I've written novels. I've tried writing original screenplays. And unfortunately—they were all right. All those writers and directors? They were right, I'm telling you.

What do you get in the novels and oral tales, in the good ones? You get narrative description, character thoughts and introspection, and opportunity for stylistic turns of phrase in other places than the dialogue. You don't get chapters and chapters of pure dialogue, but you learn more about the characters through what they say and do than how they move or look.

What do you get in television or movies or theatre, the good ones? You get dialogue, action, subtle visual clues, and opportunity for stylistic tricks with camera movement and other audio-visual gags. You don't get the characters' thoughts or a narrator to explain the history of everything, but even the smallest second of emotion on a person's face and the lighting or sweeping move of camera will tell you more than a thousand words could.

You can't take a verbal and mental medium like literature and translate it word for word into film—it's like trying to translate an idiom literally. Take a book like The Lord of the Rings: the story revolves around using words in poetic and beautiful fashion to set mood and atmosphere, using the thoughts of the characters and the point of view of the narrator to explain the story, with dialogue only when really necessary. Can you take that and turn it to film? Yes. Will it be good? No.

How do you take the Battle of Pelennor Fields and turn it into film? If you take the written words and the dialogue and translate them directly, you'd end up with a play-by-play battle with confusing character interaction. Can we understand simply from actions and words what motivates Merry, Eowyn, Eomer, and Theoden? Not really—the text relies on the narrator and the God's-eye perspective into their minds. In film world, we have to see what they're thinking on their faces—the dialogue could stay the same, but the narrator has to come in the form of acting, camera work, editing, and music. It can be surprisingly effective, but takes just as much work as trying to convey the same messages with words without it appearing forced.

And unfortunately, you don't understand how this works until you've tried to analyze why exactly you were crying at a certain scene in a movie (when you had no previous attachment to the story or characters), and even then, until you've tried to faithfully adapt one of your favorite books to screenplay form. Even if you aren't good at either, the simple act of trying opens your mind to how complex an art film is, separate and apart from writing.

"The movie's not as good as the book." What is that supposed to mean? If it means you liked the book better—sure, that's a valid criticism. If it means that the movie is different than the book, though, then that is not the way to say it. Different does not mean better or worse. There are good books that have made terrible movies, and there are terrible books that made good movies. (And some stories were just meant to be told in one form: not every great movie would have made a better book and not every book would make a good movie.) When one is adapted to be another, they may have the same story and characters, but storytellers for millennia have been borrowing from each other and weaving new stories from old ingredients. The separate stories can and often should stand on their own, and while comparisons are sometimes useful, often they are harmful.


As much as you scoffed when they said it, film and literature are two different mediums that serve two different purposes. Paintings are not the same as songs; books are not the same as movies. They shouldn't be compared as if they were apples and apples. So the next time someone makes a movie out of your favorite book—remember that it will be different. It has to be. When someone translates a German piece to English, no matter how faithful the translation, something will be lost and perhaps something will be gained. It's inevitable, and it serves no purpose to worry and complain about it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Slippery slopes

The more I drink, the more I feel thirsty.

The more I write, the more I want to write.

The more I exercise, the more I want to be physically active.

The more I blog, the more blog posts ideas come into my head.

The more I read, the more books get added to my to-be-read pile

The more I practice patience and self-control, the more I truly want to be patient and controlled.

The more I sleep, the less sleep I feel like I should be getting. Sigh. Patterns were meant to be broken.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My favorite new music

"It's Dead, Jim" by Warp 11. I'm not a Star Trek fan, but for some reason I really like this song.

"Dark Waltz" by Hayley Westenra. Hauntingly gorgeous.

"Battlefield" and "Storm" by Cirque du Soleil

"End of the World" by Great Big Sea

"Hands of the Potter" and "Wings of the Morning" by Caedmon's Call. Lovely folk Christian band.

"Take Me In" by Kutless. I love this group's worship songs.

"Re: Your Brains" by Jonathan Coulton. Who would'a' thought that a zombie song could be so plaintive? Also his song "Ikea" is great.

"So Insane" and "Everyday Superhero" by Smash Mouth. Just plain fun music.

"Within" by William Joseph. Gorgeous piano music.

"Coultergeist" by Phil Coulter. Ditto.

"Sport Utility Vehicle" by Veggie Tales. My favorite of the recent Silly Songs, but I have no idea why.

"Wizards in Winter" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

"Forgiven" by Relient k

"Take My Life" by Jeremy Camp

"This is Home" by Switchfoot

Friday, September 05, 2008

Chuck Norris facts...Stargate style

I'm pretty sure everyone knows about the Chuck Norris facts: the usually cute, often cheesy, sometimes LOL exaggerations about the power of Chuck Norris. Even if you (like me) don't really know who Chuck Norris is, the format is witty enough to pull most of them off. And then I found the Stargate version...not only are these more specific to certain character traits (whereas the Chuck Norris ones encompass everything), they make more sense to me because I know what they're referring to, all the inside jokes (plus some more general ones). Again, some are just plain cheesy, but if you know the show and characters, I found a lot of these very funny.


We all know the answer, 42. Daniel Jackson knows the question!

Daniel Jackson is so bad*** that even the afterlife is scared of him.

Teal'c can kill two stones with one bird

Samantha Carter knows the exact location of Carmen SanDiego

God originally wanted 5 horsemen for the apocalypse, but Teal'C refused to ride a horse.

Teal'C and O'Neill played rock, paper, scissors. Teal'C shot rock, and O'Neill shot paper. Teal'C refused to lose. When O'Neill protested, Teal'C punched him in the face saying "I thought your paper would protect you, Colonel O'Neill."

The Dinosaurs laughed at Teal'c, and look at them now...

After the nuclear apocalypse, all that will be left is five cockroaches and Daniel Jackson.

Samantha Carter understands the teacher in Charlie Brown.

Lemmings think Teal'c is behind them.

Someone once told Ba'al that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. Ba'al then wrote the man's name in blood on the floor.

Anubis let the dogs out.

Daniel Jackson doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Teal'c says its macaroni and cheese, then it's macaroni and cheese.

Claudia Black would never win an Oscar for her performance as Vala- because let's face it, who'd trust her with a blunt metal object?

If Daniel Jackson sets foot on a planet, whole civilizations perish just to be studied by him.

When Teal´c uses a sarcophagus , the sarcophagus gets healthier

When Vala goes swimming in the sea the concentration of gold in the ocean drops by 74%.

If Carter says something works, the laws of physics consider twice.

Vala actually stopped talking once.......no wait, just kidding.

Sam can build a working Naquada Generator out of Legos.

Jack may play with a yo-yo but Daniel is a yo-yo. (ascend, descend. ascend, descend...)

Ba´al is so difficult to kill..the other Goa´ulds nicknamed him "Daniel".

How evil is Anubis? Every night, he counts his collection of unpaired socks that people around the galaxy still think they "lost".

Despite the popular misconception, Chuck Norris is merely the distortion of the space-time continuum created by Sg1's overwhelming and unmitigated coolness

Everyone in the universe speaks English because Chuck Norris once said, "Everyone will speak the same language as me." 1 planet raised an objection. It is known as Proclarush Taonas.

We only ever see SG-1 and SG-3 team members because all the other 23 teams consist of Chuck Norris.

If you rearrange the letters in "Daniel Jackson", you get "Cloaked Ninjas". No wonder he can't be killed. If you rearrange the letters in "Vala Mal Doran", you get "Amoral Vandal". And if you rearrange the letters in "Teal'C" you get "Chuck Norris"... 'Nuff said.

There is no 'crtl' button on Carter's computer... she is always in control.

Chuck Norris does not ascend. He pulls the Plane of Existence down to his level.

King Midas touched objects to turn them into gold. Vala Mal Doran touches a gold object and it probably is never seen again.

The Ori never invaded Earth because they were afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Teal'C calls his Jaffa Staff Weapon "Chuck" and his Zat-nik-tel "Norris"... which is why he is the most feared Jaffa warrior...

Monday, September 01, 2008

Music videos

I don't normally watch music videos for songs I like, because often they're just artsy shots of the singers intermixed with props and settings of the song, which I find dreadfully dull. Occasionally, there's one that tells the story of the song, and they're worth it. But recently I found two that actually enhanced the song, while being worthwhile on their own. Both of them are songs by Nickelback: